


as it is, infinite

by ohallows



Category: King Falls AM (Podcast)
Genre: Angst, Canon-Typical Behavior, Character Study, M/M, POV Second Person, Suicidal Thoughts, literally only angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-23
Updated: 2019-04-23
Packaged: 2020-01-24 08:41:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,766
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18567844
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ohallows/pseuds/ohallows
Summary: a coda to episode 74





	as it is, infinite

**Author's Note:**

> ‘bri episode 74 came out a year ago!’ and?

It always came back to the Void. The Devil’s Doorstep, Perdition Wood, the dark space located between the stars where no light, no human, no living thing dares to tread. 

Jack had been researching it before he disappeared. You’d woken up enough nights to him frantically muttering about it under his breath, laptop screen frozen on an article from the King Falls Gazzette about hikers going missing in the area. He’d been trying to map it out for some reason on the spread of papers on his desk, lines harshly marked in black and crossed out in red and looking like scribbles more than an actual map. But the location of the Doorstep never changed, still in the center of the page with different colors of paths stretching out from its inky black mark.

Looking like nothing more than a shadow on the white paper, always looming ominously in the background.

And now the shadows are coming to steal even more.

 _Extinguish the shadow’s vessel or slam the door shut_ , Mr. X had said. Like it was nothing. Murder an old man to maybe save the town, or go up against some huge eldritch horror that’s been stealing people for... something... for far longer than you’ve probably even been alive.

Obviously, you and Ben aren’t even considering it as a possibility. Even ignoring how absolutely ridiculous of a demand it is, neither of you are willing to just kill Cecil. Especially not when there’s a chance that he can pull through this. Especially not when Herschel would put a bullet in either of you if you even thought about it.

Ben’s not talking about the other thing, either. Slamming the door shut. Because, of course, that would require someone to get close to the Doorstep, and neither of you are willing to send someone else up there to close the door, whatever that entails. You’re pretty sure that there isn’t an _actual_ door there, but weirder stuff has happened in King Falls. But it’s still an option, one that doesn’t have to involve anyone else.

You aren’t completely sure when you decided that you’re going up there and either joining Jack in the Void or getting him back, but Mr. X’s call certainly helped it become way more solid. There isn’t another option for you. And you’re just so goddamn tired.

You still have Jack’s notebook. Ben... Ben shouldn’t have found out about that. Not now, not ever. Because he’s a hero (you’re not) and he’ll go after him, go after Jack the way you just don’t think you know how to, and he’ll be gone too. The Void takes and takes, it doesn’t _give things back,_ and you can’t let it take Ben too.

You’re an acceptable sacrifice.

After the show, Ben tells you that he’ll see you tomorrow night. You nod, say yes, and ignore the little flicker of hurt in his eyes when you turn away and head toward your car. Ever since Frickard outed you, since you (unknowingly) bared your entire soul to the entire town, said Jack’s name for the first time in damn near three years... you don’t know how to act, sometimes. Ben doesn’t treat you any different, apart from his constant attempts to get you to re-sign the contract, and the fighting. But you’ve always bickered; there’s just an added desperation to it now.

But, whatever, you go through the motions. Go to the station for the show, try not to drown under the constant barrage of love and support that Ben’s throwing at you, throw some sass back to piss him off, and then do the same thing the next night. Troy or Emily have had to call in multiple times with new topics just to get you two to lay off one another for 20 minutes.

It’s not fun.

You know why you’re doing it. You almost wait for Lily to dial in and call you on it, because she’s seen it firsthand. She doesn’t.

A clean break, right? Except nothing is ever clean, this _can’t_  be clean because you got in too deep, you’re too embedded in this town for leaving to be anything but painful, but hopefully they’ll just think you went back to California and not that you went... well. To Jack. Hopeful that they’ll think you just stopped caring when you don’t answer the phone. Hopeful that Ben won’t try to come after you and find you when you don’t respond to him.

...

You don’t regret it. This town, these people. Ben, Troy, Emily, Mary, Tim, Ron, hell, even Herschel and Cecil. The memories you made here. But there’s always something missing, when you look back at those memories, there’s a huge Jack-shaped hole next to you when he should have been here the whole time, should have been holding your hand through all of it.

But he’s not. And you failed at bringing him back, and Lily gave up, and Ben keeps saying he’s going to bring Jack home and, goddamnit, of every single person you know, maybe of every single person in the... world? Galaxy? The only person who stands a snowball’s chance of bringing Jack home is Ben Arnold.

But you can’t let him try, not if it hurts him too. Not if it hurts Emily, or Troy, or anyone else who’s only doing this because of you. You couldn’t save Jack, and you’ll have to deal with that. Only you.

You don’t dream about him anymore, and you don’t know if that is scarier than dreaming about him. Because maybe that means you’re forgetting, and you don’t think you could live with yourself if you forgot him.

The ring he gave you years ago is still in your bedside table, wrapped tightly around a bandana he gave you once after playing rugby. Sometimes you like to think it still smells like him, but almost 7 years later you’re pretty sure that your mind is just playing tricks on you.

It’s hard to sleep, sometimes. You make plans instead.

And then its April 29, before you know it, and time is running out but you promised two weeks, you _promised_ , and you know Ben is setting up something big for the anniversary, another attempt to get you to stay, and half of you... half of you wants that. Desperately. Wants to sign the contract, wants to stay here, wants to stay with Ben and Troy and Emily and, hell, even Lily, wants to fight for Jack and get him back and be here and be happy, but the other half of you is sick with missing him and tired and heartbroken (one of the things you just couldn’t lie to Ben about, not after... that) and so, so goddamn tired.

The show is awful. Never going to make it into a ‘best of’. The interviewee calls off five minutes before their time, and it leads to thirty minutes of you and ben sniping at each other over the fact that your contract is ending, and even as Ben is borderline yelling, you can make out the hurt in his eyes.

You two haven’t gone out to Rose’s together in a while. Maybe you should have. Made the most of the time you had left. But maybe, this way, it’ll hurt less.

Keep telling yourself that.

April 30 comes and goes like the past two weeks before it. You know that Ben knows that something’s up, but you’re pretty certain he doesn’t know what it is because he hasn’t forcibly dragged you to his apartment and made you stay within his line of sight.

This show is just... hard. You know it’s the last one. Ben doesn’t. He talks about May 1 and you play along like you’re actually going to show up. And then 6am hits and Ben asks you to go to Rose’s, to grab some food, but you just shake your head and step back. He tries not to let it show, but you can tell that he’s upset.

Your apartment is packed up. All your stuff has been taken to the storage unit on the edge of town. You don’t really care what happens to it. Hopefully they donate it when you don’t come back to pay for it in a couple months, but you can’t be sure.

The contract is still sitting on your counter, Merv’s computer-generated signature in harsh black ink staring up at you almost accusingly. “The Sammy and Ben Show” written across the top, with a small ‘please?’ in spiky, scrawny handwriting that you will always recognize.

You didn’t say goodbye. You couldn’t, because, Jack-in-the-box Jesus, what would you say? What _could_  you say?

You know that the anniversary is tonight. Ben’s been working his ass off prepping for it, even if he hasn’t shared any of the details with you. But it’s probably going to be more of the same, Ben begging you to stay, you refusing, the both of you fighting like siblings until his face gets red and your hands start violently shaking as you hide them under the desk.

Ben thinks you’re going to show up. You know you’re not.

So you get in your car and leave, shoving the memories to the back of your mind.

The drive to the Devil’s Doorstep isn’t long. Your hand itches to turn the radio dial to 660, but you don’t. It would be a special kind of torture, tonight especially, and you can already hear how Ben’s voice will grow softer and sadder when he realizes you aren’t coming.

It’s dark and deep in the woods. The light from your flashlight doesn’t seem to seep through the branches like it should, but for the first time since coming to King Falls you think you’re making the right decision.

You take one step forward, then another, and the leaves crunch under your feet as you keep moving through the forest.

There’s music on the wind. Chanting. Your vision goes hazy, then sharpens, and you feel like you want to stumble to the side and steady yourself on a tree trunk. Something... is in these woods, and it’s drawing you toward it. A light voice, laughter and excitement and longing, and your heart reaches out to it almost before your body responds, stumbling forward as your vision blurs again.

You should have apologized to Ben. But... Jack’s here, and he’s your everything, and and as you stumble through the woods in the dark you can’t help but hope that whatever happens, you’ll be able to see him again.

The Void is calling.

**Author's Note:**

> yeah idk this is like a vent fic i just had a lot of emotions and needed to get them out somehow


End file.
